2/03/2015

Final script -




First time using Adobe story and I'm pretty sure i haven't written this how it should have been, but I'm sure I'm about to learn through my mistakes.

1 comment:

  1. OGR 06/02/2015

    Hi Becky,

    Okay - so this isn't your OGR, but I've got some feedback for you on your script. I think there's probably too much dialogue, and much of what Gertie says could be omitted, with just visual story-telling being used instead; so you show us her thoughts and feelings and construct her inner-monologue through the relationship between different sorts of shots. I did think, as your script continued, that you were going to have Gertie come to understand that she too had been 'made' by her father - and I wonder if this should happen. I can imagine how, as she examines the boy, she examines herself, and she and we begin to understand that she too has been manufactured? In terms of your ending, it feels a little flat to me; I can't help but suggest that maybe things could take a darker turn in the tradition of the Frankenstein story - i.e. that the creations turn on their creator - so the last shot of the father returning to the house suddenly creates some tension, because we know the brother and sister - angry at being non-persons - are waiting for him to return. I can see how the girl, discovering that she too is an experiment, might react in a less than grateful way, having thought of herself all these years as a little girl?

    Anyway - the other thing I see in my head when I read your script is this short film by Jan Svankmajer:

    http://vdownload.eu/watch/12204828-jan-svankmajer-вниз-в-винный-погребок-do-pivnice-down-to-the-cellar-1983.html

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